Relationship Alchemy: 8 Steps to Transforming Through Our Relationships

We all desire happy, healthy, harmonious relationships in our lives. What can we do to create that? And when we are faced with challenging dynamics, what how can  we alchemize them to shift the dynamic? 

Relationships occupy a big space within our lives. We all have relationships of various types, whether they be friends, family, co-workers, intimate partners, acquaintances, or otherwise. We spend a lot of time thinking about the various dynamics that arise in those relationships. Sometimes those dynamics leave us in a state of elation, love, gratitude, and feeling good. Other times, those dynamics drag us down into drama, stress, negative emotions, conflicts, and not-so-pleasant feelings.

These relationship dynamics can be the greatest catalysts for growth in our lives. Life is all about relationship! We exist in relationship to life and to all the variety of things that surround us in this life. In particular, our relationships with others can help us understand ourselves on deeper levels. By understanding the underlying dynamics of what I call ‘relationship alchemy’, that is how we can gain greater mastery in this aspect of our lives.

Relationships give us many opportunities to see where we still need to work on ourselves, because people are like mirrors for us to see ourselves! Unfortunately, the mirror can be difficult to face at times. Often, rather than facing our own shortcomings, we may be inclined to project them onto others. However, imagine what would be possible if we began seeing others as reflections of ourselves. When we stop pointing the finger “out there” and start looking “in here” it then gives us the power and freedom to create our dream relationships.  When we begin to look within, as we relate to the world, that is when our relationships become powerful catalysts for healing and transformation in our lives.

“Understanding the alchemy of relationships is about helping us come together with others in such a way that we can co-create something better than what we can do on our own. It’s about finding synergy, even amidst tension and differences of opinion.”

Relationship alchemy is all about realizing that the tension that naturally occurs in many relationships provides us with an opportunity to harmonize the differences for mutual growth rather than run from the conflict. It is through harnessing the differences in energies that we are able to accelerate progression as individuals and as a society.

What do I mean by the word “Alchemy”? Alchemy is the epitome of integrating science, metaphysics, and consciousness all together! Most of our modern day sciences were developed out of the ancient traditions of alchemy. Modern science has reduced the scientific approach to a purely materialistic one. But in its original form, the science of alchemy was intimately connected to the philosophies of Hermeticism, mythology, and spirituality. And it had everything to do with transformation, purification, raising vibration, and harnessing the tension of opposites to bring them into a higher form of harmony and synergy.

We can better understand ourselves and our relationships to each other in a more holistic framework by using alchemical principles. Through applying this ancient art and science it reveals a method for accelerating transformation and harmonizing energies to create a more perfected state of being.

The alchemical process is driven by interaction or sometimes tension that arises between different things. We’ve all heard the expression “opposites attract” in regards to relationships. Well the same applies in alchemy. It is the differences that create the chemistry for transformation.

“With relationship alchemy it’s about bringing together different people to create something beyond what any of us can create on our own.”

At the heart of the process of creation, all manifestation is directed by the interplay of masculine and feminine energies. The 7th Hermetic Principle says that “Gender is in everything; everything has its masculine and feminine principles. Gender manifests on all planes.” Relationship Alchemy allows us to consciously bring together the masculine and feminine energies to co-create! Each person has a mix of both masculine and feminine energies in different proportions, regardless of our biological gender. Although, we are each pre-dispositioned to be dominant in one of these energies more than the other.

We typically want to have “good chemistry” with the people in our lives. Whether they are friends, colleagues, teammates, family members, or romantic partners. The ability to harness our own inner masculine and feminine energies and become more self-aware will directly influence the quality of our relationships. We are not looking for people that mirror us exactly. Rather we are looking for relationships with people whose energetic make-up complements our own. We are looking for compatibility and synergy.

Here are 8 Tips to Creating Good Relationship Alchemy:

1. Take time to truly know yourself outside of relationships.

   • Take time to come into greater clarity of what your inner truth is. Also get to know your strengths and weakness. When we know what we enjoy then we know how we want to spend our time. The more we come into connection with our True Self the more we allow another to experience this truth and also live in their truth.

2. Come together with others that are also doing their work to embody their True Self.

   • ​Sometimes we really need to do the initial work on our own so that we can be ready to catalyze a new phase of evolution and growth with others. After a time of being on our own, and getting in touch with our True Self, we can come together for a new level of operating in relation to others. This recombing through relationships will at some point likely bring up deeper layers of unresolved patterns. This should be seen as an opportunity to go deeper within as we relate to the world around us. This may draw us into another phase of introspection and connection to self. We can achieve breakthroughs and our relationships can reach their full potential when we really do the work.

3. Focus on relationships that are complementary.

   • Rather than seeking to be with people who are just like you, or  with people who are your opposites, seek instead to find people whose characteristics complement your own. When we focus on appreciating the complementary differences in each individual we begin to allow more of our potential to be expressed. See relationships as an opportunity for synergistic creation. The resulting connection will allow for something new to unfold between those in the relationship that is beyond what either could achieve on their own. When we can consciously harmonize tension in relationships we can use it to generate something new.

4. See triggers as an opportunity for growth!

   • From an alchemist’s perspective the trigger points are our impurities that we want to clear out. These impurities relate to our ego’s unresolved issues or programing from the past that pollute our filters and cause us to react disproportionately. So if a worthiness issue was triggered in a loving relationship, this is an opportunity to get to the root of this trigger and heal it. Without the trigger, awareness may have never been brought to the wound. Through this understanding we can see triggers in relationships as an opportunity to more fully resolve or shift old belief systems and emotional attachments. When we work through these triggers we dissolve old coping strategies, defensiveness, and other blocks in order to build more authentic connections. Often times the trigger is not completely about what was said, but more so about the way it hit a sensitive spot related to our past.

5. Observe your reactions with the 15-minute rule!

   • One way to assess whether our emotional response is current and appropriate to the situation versus coming from our subconscious past is to use the 15-minute rule. When our emotions are triggered from a current situation we can express them in appropriate measure in the present and within 15 minutes or less be done and able to move on. However, if something unresolved from our past has been triggered we will think about it and emote about it in loops for much longer than 15 minutes. We may even get fixated on the situation, make the other person wrong, amplify the situation in our mind, and justify our position. Be aware that this attachment really ties up our energy, creates needless drama, and essentially drains us! So pay attention to how long you are in your emotional cycle for. If it is over 15 minutes, then ask yourself “What is this really about? What does this remind me of? When have I felt this way before? When did it first start?” Identify the core of the old pattern that is coming up for you (often going as far back as childhood) and identify what needs to be healed within you. Then once you have that new level of clarity and have regained some sense of centeredness, return  to address the current situation from a greater level of insight, self-awareness, and clarity. It’s important to express our emotions in constructive ways and resolve them so that we can show up to create more harmony in our relationships.

6. Identify where we’re operating from unresolved trauma.

   • By becoming aware of our unresolved trauma we’ll be able to see the truth in our relationships. Then when we get triggered we can say “I’m sorry I reacted that way. It triggered something old and I realize now what it was.” Through this level of awareness we can actively work on healing ourselves to clear things up in our relationships. When we can access honesty and vulnerability with ourselves and share it in a healthy relationship it gives us an opportunity to build greater trust and bond at deeper levels.

7. Allow space for personal wholeness and healing.

   • Continue to develop your personal internal world and life. When we prioritize our own healing and wholeness we can meet another from this place. Rather than needing the other person to validate and fill a void we can complement each other’s lives. Good chemistry is the result of an interaction that is enlivening and inspiring! So when we feel good with ourselves this over flows into all our relationships. When we’ve done the work to purify ourselves we are able to better express our positive qualities.

8.  Remember and reclaim our own divinity.

   • We have to see our own beauty, worthiness, self-respect, and love in order to receive it from others. All healing is self-healing and  it starts with forgiveness. We have to accept all parts of ourselves and see the divinity within. Only then can we give that to another. And when you are coming from a place of self-love and readiness to share that love with others, you will also know which relationships in your life are in alignment with that vibration and which ones are not. If other people in your life are abusive or not aligning with the new and truer you, then perhaps it is time to let go of them so you can create room for new relationships to come in that will align with who you are becoming… relationships that uplift and support rather than limit or tear down.

The goal is to find those relationships that can become alchemical “gold.” Going through the purification process we can create indestructible relationships. Those are the relationships we deeply crave. The ones where those involved complement each other physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually! The alchemical process, life, and cultivating amazing relationships that can rest upon a strong foundation of love and honor require prioritization, energy, and attention. In alchemy we call this “devotion to the great work.”

As we raise our own vibration we are able to raise the vibration in our relationships which creates ripple effects into our communities. This is where ‘Relationship Alchemy’ evolves into ‘Social Alchemy.’ As we first work on ourselves, then our immediate relationships, and then bring it into our work and communities to help the world evolve.

Believe that you deserve and are capable of having great relationships with yourself and others! Take time to imagine your ideal relationships and how they make you feel from the moment you wake and throughout your day. As we share authentic kindness with the world we allow more light to flow and this helps brighten other people’s days.

Being an alchemist and creating relationship alchemy is about knowing how the alchemical process works, catalyzing it to help drive it forward and being a part of the shift. Only when we shift as a collective can we fulfill our destiny to become fully awakened humans who are creating “heaven on earth” and actualize the potential to create a world of peace.

For more information on Relationship Alchemy watch episode 4 of Season 3 of Mystery Teachings on Gaia TV. Also, check out my book on Social Alchemy called “The Game Changers: Social Alchemists of the 21st Century.”